By Lara Lillibridge
The Exit is the Entrance: Essays on Escape (part of the Crux series) by Lydia Paar
The Exit is the Entrance is a collection of essays on leaving—going to as well as away from—college, the military, relationships, wrong decisions. It is a series of ruminative journeys written in first, second, and third person long-form essays, in which Paar explores creativity, erasure, our connection to the earth and each other in lyrical prose. Set mostly in the Southwestern United States, Paar also travels back and forth across the country and down to Peru.
The essay “Drive” begins with a short poem:
When I was a teenager, I wished to be a trucker. I should say,
rather, the profession was in my top-ten list of future plans.
I was drawn to open roads.
Delighted at the thought of a distant boss, I ached for new
lands.
Airbrakes excited.
Paar instead follows the traditional path for a high school graduate, taking a bus from Portland, Oregon to northern California with her mother to attend a private college she couldn’t afford, and quickly abandons. Paar is pulled between what society says she should do, and the desire for an extraordinary life. Her longing for travel and solitude is a constant theme in The Exit is the Entrance. And yet, interspersed between these essays of escape, there are stories of staying—in school in the desert; with a father who “…offered me a guest room to land in: a room with a tiny twin bed, tucked into a suburb safe from homelessness…”; at various jobs and in contact with various people. In this way, Paar is not in a constant state of flux, but rather experiences “…years of successive risk and recovery.”
Another theme in The Exit is the Entrance is erasure—losing yourself entirely in an experience so that you are no longer aware of your own self. Erasure to Paar is both a goal and a wound. It was a little hard for me to wrap my head around at first, but as she explains in the essay, “Erasure,”
Living in the desert, you began to feel that if you could erase
yourself enough, your various moods and agendas, needs and
desires, you could simply become a pair of ears to hear, eyes to
see, and hands to translate: purer, uncluttered,
uncompromised. But see, hear, and translate what, and to
whom? You opened your eyes wider, put your ear to the dirt.[…] Your mind, like this new land, opened out widened, and for
the first time you couldn’t find the ends of it.
In this way, erasure is a subsummation into the essence of being—not a negative annihilation, but instead losing oneself into the flow and connection of the universe, where there is no “I” or “you” but instead only the attachment to humanity and the natural world. But Paar also uses erasure to reckon with our colonial past, writing,
The term “erasure” has been used, in the American West and
around the world, to describe the effects of colonization on
indigenous peoples—you didn’t need the college classes to
know this by now.
I found the use of second person in this essay to be incredibly intimate, allowing the reader to slip effortlessly into her skin. The play between first, second, and third person essays in this collection mimics the movement of the theme, going towards intimacy in first and second, and away from it when she switches to third person. The point of view zooms in and out in the way the essays travel from close relationships to the aloneness of the between times.
The essays are an exploration of liminal spaces, both the physical spaces, such as onboard greyhound buses and other modes of transportation, or the hostel where she lives and works for a time; and more figurative spaces, such as liminal friends and experiences. In the essay, “Osmosis,” Paar writes about attending the music festival Coachella. She surrenders to the music-induced erasure she seeks, but returning to the campground, Paar finds herself longing for connection. She writes,
And I grew restless for the weekend to end, to return to a
community connected with a more common contemporary
reality. This fun was good fun, but it didn’t, couldn’t, extend
beyond itself.
One of the more idiosyncratic spaces she explores is that of funerals and the funeral businesses, truly the epitome of transition. In “Hope for Sale,” Paar passes as a mortuary intern in order to attend a conference where she learns about embalming, reconstruction, and other aspects of “death care.” She ruminates on the juxtaposition of the concern for the grieving alongside the business ramification of the industry, the attention we give at the end of a life versus the care we take with the living.
If human communities put the kind of energy that we put into
grooming and mourning our dead into people still living on the
brink of death, could this life, finally, be less abrasive? Could
we learn to live in peace, not just come to rest at its end?
Yet, this essay is not just concerned with the global discussion of mourning; rather, Paar artfully braids the story of her friendship with (and eventual loss of) Kate, a recently divorced woman struggling with bipolar disorder, taking the universal discussion to the personal, intimate level. This telescoping out and in of a subject is a hallmark of the collection. Even the essays on traveling and escaping are also rooted in something bigger, more important that the current moment.
These lands mirror the oceans once contained in them,
reminding you how even seeming stability (like rock) and flux
(sea salt water) interchange over time, which reminds you (yet
again) just how connected all earthscapes and the creatures
within them are.
Throughout this collection, Paar, while in a perpetual journey towards and away from situations, places, and people, finds herself drawn to the universal experience.
Lara Lillibridge (she/they) sings off-beat and dances off-key. She is the author of The Truth About Unringing Phones: Essays on Yearning; Mama, Mama, Only Mama: An Irreverent Guide for the Newly Single Parent; and Girlish: Growing Up in a Lesbian Home. Lara is an editor for HeartWood Literary and holds an MFA from West Virginia Wesleyan College.