By Kim Kankiewicz
In my Freon-chilled bedroom, cocooned in a Holly Hobbie blanket, I hear the rumble-hum of my parents’ conversation. Maybe they speak longingly of the Midwest or anxiously about my eye disease diagnosis. Their voices drift to my room from the kitchen, where a portrait of an old man praying adorns the wall. In the picture, the bearded man bows over a meal of soup and bread, his hands folded and a green-covered Bible within reach. Muted light seeps through an indistinct opening in the man’s wall, burnishing the shadows behind him, casting comfort into our temporary desert home.
My parents are unaware that I lie awake for hours, thinking what a five-year-old can think about God and the universe and her own small-scale significance. On this night, I squeeze my eyes shut and wonder how blindness would feel. Light from the hallway slants through my half-open door and yellows the darkness behind my eyelids. The inextinguishable radiance mingled with my parents’ murmuring soothes me to sleep.
This is how I learn to see God: not a white-haired man looking down, but a smudge of gold cloaking the fearful gray.
Kim Kankiewicz has written for Creative Nonfiction, The Normal School, Colorado Review, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Sweet: A Literary Confection, and other publications. She’s a recent PhD graduate of the University of Kansas Creative Writing program. Her first book, Bellwether: A Telephone Operator, a Landmark Court Case, and the Women Whose Voices Connected a Nation, will be published in March 2027 by Union Square.
Image by Дмитрий Пропадалин courtesy of Pexels









































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































“…a smudge of gold cloaking the fearful gray.” A beautiful image of your faith in God that your parents fostered in you.
Thanks so much for reading, Laura.
Your opening sentence places us perfectly in childhood, not wrapped, but cocooned in a Holly Hobbie blanket. You reveal your actual age in the second paragraph and then the reader too wonders what they thought about God at that tender age. Amid your word choices that sooth the child and the reader: drifts, seeps, comfort, muted, slants, smudge, murmuring, two stand out in nuanced juxtaposition, anxiously and fearful. The parents and the child. The discovery, beatific.
Thank you
Thank you for your thoughtful response to every word, Jillian.
love this idea of God
I love the idea of God as a smudge of gold. I will carry that with me. thank you
Thank you for sharing that, Kim.
Thank you for this beautiful piece….it transported me as if I was seeing a movie. The descriptions of light were made more sobering when I realized that there was a hint of blindness for a little girl who was already sensitive to the beauty in the light that she sees. The last line is written with beautiful wisdom and sensitivity.
Thank you for your lovely comment, Lynda.
Thank you for this beautiful piece. My family often saw prints of the man praying in restaurants we frequented, and my son and daughter nicknamed him “Mr. Manners.”
I love that, Bruce. I will now think of Mr. Manners when I see that picture.
Kim,
A moment beautifully captured.
Thank you.
Helaine
Thanks so much, Helaine.
Beautifully expressed.
Thanks so much, Pat.