By Matthew Frye-Castillo
A Silent Treatment: A Memoir by Jeannie Vanasco
Can love exist alongside abuse?
Some writers say yes. Mary Oliver, in contemplating the inevitable cruelties of the world, asked, “When we cut the ripe melon, should we not give it thanks? / And should we not thank the knife also? / We do not live in a simple world.”1
Other writers say no. For bell hooks, love and abuse are mutually exclusive: “When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist. Abuse and neglect are, by definition, the opposites of nurturance and care.”2
Perhaps the truth lies in the vast gray middle, which is why Jeannie Vanasco, in her third memoir A Silent Treatment (Tin House), hesitates to call her mother’s behavior “emotional abuse.”3
A Silent Treatment opens in the anxious hours – then days, even months – after the narrator’s mother has, without clear cause, stopped speaking to her. These episodes of “inflicted silence” are difficult to predict or understand, and they would possibly be easier to ignore if mother and daughter did not live together. But of the five years that her mother, Barbara, has lived in her Baltimore home, eighteen of those months have been defined by her silence. (The author and her mother share the same full name, “Barbara Vanasco,” but the author goes by “Jeannie”; this review refers to the author as Vanasco and her mother as Barbara). These sudden, often unwarranted withdrawals cause Vanasco physical pain. Her husband, writing friends, therapist, and even the Google Home app suggest this is what emotional abuse looks like.
But Vanasco suspends such a label. Her mother – whom she talked to for nearly an hour every day before she moved to Baltimore – can’t help it. “I don’t know why I do it,” Barbara admits when Vanasco asks why she insists on the silent treatment. Vanasco renders Barbara as a pleasant, honest, yet complicated woman who does not fully understand her own capacity for self-deception. She’s far from exhibiting the Dark Triad of malicious personality traits — narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.4 If anything, she’s the opposite: attempting to put Vanasco’s welfare first by working to help her through college; being angry when immigrants are mistreated or when she overhears a customer being curt to service staff. But when Barbara cannot identify the actual vectors of her unhappiness, the results are chaotic, imploded bouts of silence.
Vanasco parallels her mother’s inability to understand the cause of her silent treatment with Vanasco’s own struggle to write about generational trauma, namely how Barbara’s hostile upbringing and abusive first husband (who is unnamed in this account) continue to impact mother and daughter. Vanasco’s challenge is to vocalize the traumas that trigger the silence. By the end, she is content with having transformed the silence into words – into a book called A Silent Treatment that makes the realities of mother and daughter legible. If she avoids the word “abuse,” it’s because she seems to believe that some words obscure more than they reveal.
In Vanasco’s work, words are often multivalent and duplicitous, even as they are irresistible and utilitarian. Her first memoir, The Glass Eye (Tin House, 2017), reckons with the death of her beloved father Terry by considering the glass eye he wore after a degenerative eye disease caused him to lose his left eye.5 The multitude of meanings in one word holds a more telling suggestion for Vanasco. She frequently plays off the physical eye with the word eye and its homonym i. She considers the shift in meaning a capital brings and contemplates an equation: “eye + i = I.” Clang associations (grouping words by sound rather than meaning) and an attunement to doubling are also present in A Silent Treatment, beginning with her mother. Since they share the same name and live at the same address, uncertainty over who is who is common: tax managers confuse their records, doctors hesitate to release information over the phone, and they accidentally open the other’s mail. Plotwise, A Silent Treatment is simply about a woman who moves out of her daughter’s house; story-wise, it is a powerful document of two women struggling to shape their distinct, if forever imbricated, identities.
The result is a memoir of gossamer threads and ample white space. Vanasco weaves together phone calls from friends, notes from therapists, conversations with students, and even a “READ” poster featuring Nicholas Cage (The National Treasure star resurfaces later in the memoir when the narrator wonders about emotional caging). There are the frantic and trapped letters her mother wrote to herself, early in her marriage with Vanasco’s father. In parentheticals, Vanasco includes the remembered “barbs” from her mother that flash through her mind like flood lights — (“I never wanted to admit how selfish you are; “I don’t know why you had to act like you wanted me here”; “We never did get along”).
Vanasco knows that to research the cause of her mother’s silence is to understand a sizable wound, and she must proceed with caution to avoid replicating the harmful strictures of the past. To label her mother would be to force her into another role that she didn’t consent to, and to (potentially) recapitulate the abuse that led to her mother’s silent treatments. Trained as a journalist and poet, Vanasco chooses not to let her own conclusions toward a subject settle too easily. This is the same courageous and ethically laudable decision she made in her second memoir, Things We Didn’t Talk About When I Was a Girl, where Vanasco interviewed the former friend who raped her as a college sophomore.6 In this memoir, Vanasco employs a similar approach, incorporating the subject into the writing process and engaging in meta-conversations about the book itself.
While the resistance to judgment is understandable, I did think of the imitative fallacy — the idea that the writer’s travails shouldn’t always be replicated for the reader. Vanasco is constantly considerate of her mother and holds space for her. If there is any judgment or definitive conclusion, it is indirect, perhaps too indirect for some readers. The more definitive comments come from friends and therapists; the most straightforward explainers of Barbara’s silent treatments come from Google Home. When the most accurate explanation of a mental illness is Google, does that dilute the power of the author’s own emotional insight, which readers tend to come searching for within memoirs? Vanasco’s approach of incorporating nearly everything felt, at times, like a narrative food processor. With few major characters taking a stance, many of the characters in A Silent Treatment just have to guess at meaning; some readers may feel the same.
But for readers more comfortable with elliptical memoirs, there is much to be gained by spending time with A Silent Treatment. One compelling thread from Vanasco’s circuitous approach is the possibility of viewing silence as a form of storytelling. If the etymology of writing is “to mark,” then the silence from a loved one undoubtedly serves the same function: its mark is legible to the recipient of the silence, who must struggle alone to do the work of meaning-making.7 But as Barbara moves out, and Vanasco supports her in the ways she can, there is a beautiful sense of the doubles making a story together and apart. The image at the end of this book is perfect, and it goes to show why Vanasco’s life writing is so highly anticipated.
Matthew Frye-Castillo is the author of One Headlight: A Memoir. Born in Southern California and raised in Alaska, he lives in New York City and is a lecturer in English at Lehman College, CUNY.
Notes
1. Mary Oliver, Devotions: The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver (New York: Penguin Press, 2017).
2. bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions (New York: William Morrow, 2000).
3. Vanasco, Jeannie. A Silent Treatment: A Memoir. Portland, OR: Tin House Books, 2025.
4. Psychology Today. “Dark Triad.” Psychology Today. Accessed October 1, 2025. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/dark-triad.
5. Jeannie Vanasco, The Glass Eye: A Memoir (Portland, OR: Tin House Books, 2017).
6. Jeannie Vanasco, Things We Didn’t Talk About When I Was a Girl: A Memoir (Portland, OR: Tin House Books, 2019).
7. “Write, v.,” OED Online (Oxford University Press), accessed September 30, 2025, https://www.oed.com/; see also “write (v.),” Online Etymology Dictionary, accessed September 30, 2025, https://www.etymonline.com/word/write.














































































































































