By Jia Lim
Once, I wrote a birthday poem for her forty-second. It described her love of wine, and how she was so very fine. Exceedingly satisfied at the neat rhyme and my infinite untapped potential, I awaited glowing praise.
Instead, she offered her thanks: muted, painfully cavalier.
Once, I skulked into her darkened bedroom, and hid the card for her forty-sixth under her wallet. I was too antsy, announced my fatigue too loudly, and retired for bed too early. I was proud of the vivid colors and the “happy birthday mama” outlined in shaky black lines, but I was not sure if it was enough.
She summoned me the next day, and gently but archly pointed out the jagged streaks of crayon outside the lines. I hung my head.
Some years were good. I was delighted to bring her joy.
Some years, I forgot. Or to be honest, I always remembered; but I dreaded, hesitated, agonized, and let the day pass. The swell of my love dueled with teenage angst and stubborn pride. The half-finished cards found their homes in my drawer, a palpable presence.
This year, from my first job in my new home in a new city, a twenty-four-hour flight away from home, I will distill my most uninhibited love and gratitude, my most desperate desire to please, my most vulnerable longing and emptiness and pain. I will fold it all into a handmade birthday card for her fifty-fifth. And I will feel like a child again.
Jia Lim was born and raised in Singapore, graduated from college in New York, and will be working in Philadelphia. Her personal essay on relinquishing control and her dog Sally was most recently published in the Quarterly Review of Singapore.
Photo “Birthday Cards Inside” provided by Selena N.B.H. via Flickr’s Creative Commons licence.
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