By Holly Pelesky
I wasn’t like the other 22-year-olds after you, carelessly wearing bright bikinis. I was too preoccupied with how I looked suddenly: child bearing hips, a soft middle. My stomach deflated, my baggy skin pooled in ripples. My abdomen’s surface became puckered all over: stretch marks dripping into one another like tear tracks. I was a rubber band that had been pulled too hard: my elasticity gone. I didn’t bounce back.
Six weeks after you were born, I was cleared for sex again, not by a doctor, but by a guy who said he knew one. Despite his insistence, I had no interest in making love then. I was too self-conscious to let someone see my imperfect body. Even with the lights off. “If only you could have seen me before I had a baby,” I said, lamenting the picture I never had taken.
But there is something to be said for a dozen years. Sometimes now, I slide my fingers into the grooves of my stretch marks, feel how glossy my skin is in the tracks you left. Nearly, I am comfortable. The last time someone touched my stomach, she traced her fingers along my stretch marks like I do and I lie there, letting her, trying not to purr. Although I didn’t keep you, now I keep how you marked me like a mother keeps a finger painting: as if it’s un-ugly.
Holly Pelesky is a lover of spreadsheets, giant sandwiches, and handwritten letters. She holds an MFA from the University of Nebraska. She writes primarily and works occasionally by teaching students to remain passionate about this craft they once fell in love with. She lives in Nebraska with her two sons.
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