By Patti Jo Amerein
It wasn’t uncommon for me to return home from school to find Mom in a heap on the dirty shag carpet of our living room floor. The alcohol she consumed during the day left her drunk and unconscious. Dinner, homework, and sleep amidst the deafening sound of a motionless body was too much for a ten-year-old girl. Too much fear. Too much disgust. Disgust for the mother God had given me, fear that He might take her away.
As the years passed, the benders would stop and start, but the burden for me to take care of her was constant—keep her company, fill the void of an absent lover, share my children.
The effects of the wine and the beer and the pills eventually led us both down the all-too-familiar path to an unfamiliar world, a world where she died believing she was sixteen and I was her mother.
On the last day that I would ever hold her in my arms, aware of the weight of the box I carried, the box full of fine ash and crushed pieces of maternal bone and teeth, I said goodbye. With hope of reconciling the pain and the anger, I threw her to the wind. But there was nothing there. Nothing to carry her away, nothing to set us free, only stillness. And once again I found her lying at my feet, in a heap.
Patti Jo Amerein is an emerging writer on the sunny side of sixty. Her writing is inspired by her years spent as a Las Vegas showgirl, laughter, heartbreak, and the unknown outcome of taking big risks. Her work can be found at Five Minutes and In A Flash.
Image by cottonbro studio courtesy of Pexels
So beautifully written and heart wrenching. Tears came to our eyes for the little girl and for her mother, both suffering each in her own way.
Oh my
This was beautiful; it made me cry.
Thank you, Patti Jo.
Oh god! This was heartbreaking! Classic example of transforming your pain into art. Beautiful!
I am proud to say that I a small part of this wonderful human beings life….to talk and listen, laugh and cry together…she is such a relavent soul in a world where life can be trying at times….she is my dearest friend….
Wow, you captured something powerful. “Disgust for the mother God had given me, fear that He might take her away.” — so much for a 10 year old to hold.
So honest, heartfelt and heart wrenching. You describe the complexities of suffering and relationships. You masterfully craft your story – it comes full circle as you open the piece with your mother in a heap on the dirty shag carpet and it ends with your mom’s ashes in heap lying at your feet. Beautiful writing!