By Melanie Ritzenthaler
Bear with me: in eighth grade I wanted my Confirmation name to be Agnes, who the Romans tried to set on fire and ultimately beheaded, because she was a virginal twelve-year-old, just like me. I wanted to be a nun, martyr; I wrote my parents a letter explaining the possibility of dying for my faith. I think about God a lot because I think all ex-Catholics do. That means I think a lot about sin, and also about death. I cried when I saw the James Webb Space Telescope’s pictures of dying stars. I cry watching videos of mangy, skeletal dogs adopted into loving homes. I cry while obsessively reading about mass shootings, or hearing a song with a particularly sad-sounding violin, or seeing any centuries-old art at a museum reminding me long-dead humans also sought beauties that could last. In college, I was cast as the “mature” friend, “motherly”—sober, leading my friends home like a trail of drunk ducklings. In college, I was surprised and aghast seeing my friends pair off, get married, redrawing the horizons of their lives in the normal ways; how it cemented something previously unknown even to me—that these small, normal abandonments were ones I would never return in kind. I am turning thirty tomorrow, and I think I’ve been trying to protect myself from the sharp edges of the world that, unlike Agnes, might not be keen enough to separate my head from my neck, but could change me into someone else—which is still a death: a small one, but a death.
Melanie Ritzenthaler teaches in the English Department at Doane University. Her fiction and nonfiction has been published in Guernica, Gettysburg Review, Mississippi Review, Colorado Review, and elsewhere.
Image by sedmak courtesy of iStock
I felt every word. Thank you for sharing this story.
Excellent writing. Engrossing storytelling.
I love how ex-Catholic slips effortlessly in between the words of faith and sin, death, so effortlessly I had to go back and read them again, and once more feel the impact they have on “which is still a death.”
Your writing is profound and moving and intelligent.
This was beautiful, and – especially headed toward my own thirtieth! – full of a flinty truth I was grateful to encounter here. Thank you for sharing this!
Wow! Just wow!
I was a Roman Catholic with 8 years of Catholic school, including a Jesuit University education, only deciding to leave Catholicism to be Christian. Your words strike a symphony of chords with me. I graduated pre-Vatican II, and it is only these past two years I learned there are perhaps two dozen or slightly more Catholic* churches, some aligned with and recognized by the Vatican, others not. I presume you mean Roman Catholic when you identify with the “Catholic Church”. May you find the saving grace I found in my 80th year (in Christ, not Roman Catholicism). I pray in writing you find your calling.
So beautiful in its intricacy. This one will be with me a long time, especially the ending lines.
I just loved this – so much packed in to this short, dense piece. And all heft and resonance. I too had a bit of an Agnes obsession. Don’t even get me started on Laura Vicuna…