By Melanie Ritzenthaler
Bear with me: in eighth grade I wanted my Confirmation name to be Agnes, who the Romans tried to set on fire and ultimately beheaded, because she was a virginal twelve-year-old, just like me. I wanted to be a nun, martyr; I wrote my parents a letter explaining the possibility of dying for my faith. I think about God a lot because I think all ex-Catholics do. That means I think a lot about sin, and also about death. I cried when I saw the James Webb Space Telescope’s pictures of dying stars. I cry watching videos of mangy, skeletal dogs adopted into loving homes. I cry while obsessively reading about mass shootings, or hearing a song with a particularly sad-sounding violin, or seeing any centuries-old art at a museum reminding me long-dead humans also sought beauties that could last. In college, I was cast as the “mature” friend, “motherly”—sober, leading my friends home like a trail of drunk ducklings. In college, I was surprised and aghast seeing my friends pair off, get married, redrawing the horizons of their lives in the normal ways; how it cemented something previously unknown even to me—that these small, normal abandonments were ones I would never return in kind. I am turning thirty tomorrow, and I think I’ve been trying to protect myself from the sharp edges of the world that, unlike Agnes, might not be keen enough to separate my head from my neck, but could change me into someone else—which is still a death: a small one, but a death.
Melanie Ritzenthaler teaches in the English Department at Doane University. Her fiction and nonfiction has been published in Guernica, Gettysburg Review, Mississippi Review, Colorado Review, and elsewhere.
Image by sedmak courtesy of iStock
*This essay originally appeared in the Beautiful Things series on October 21, 2024
This is amazing and left me wanting more!
Appreciate the depth and exploration of faith in such few words. Leaves a deep impression.
What a stunning piece. I will be thinking of its impact all day. Thank you!
What a tight and thought provoking essay. So well done.
I love the many kinds of death. Star death, dogs so sparse their death imminent ( but for rescue), the death of losing the person you were, or the person you still want to be. The death of faith, love, friends and all losses big and small. A Martyr’s death. The X in Catholic.
This is a brilliant essay. Every word mattered. I read it over and over, just like I did the first time I found it in my inbox, so many months ago.