A white door open to a dark hallway

I Hold Back His Hair

June 3, 2024

By Rebecca Ingalls

What is it? I ask. A four, he tells me. A six. A three, but he knows it will get worse.

He’s eleven. The headaches started when he was five. They stab, go away, return in fury. Sometimes they build, a stampede of wildebeests charging through his left eye.

His dad had his first one at age nine while he dreamt about a bullet train unloading pain instead of people. Mine started on the long bus ride home from first grade, tortured by the acrid stench of exhaust, vinyl, peanut butter crackers, and musky kid bodies.

Tonight, he stands over my bed, his lanky limbs too long for his pajamas. Soon, we’re on the floor of the bathroom, where the tile glows with moonlight. It’s quiet, save his whimpering. This is the worse one ever, he whispers. Sweatshirt on, sweatshirt off. I witness and wait.

His dad stands nearby, a sentry for what comes next. I’m holding back his silky blond hair as he dry-heaves. Useless.

Go downstairs, he demands, as we lead him to the big bed. Get the big silver bowl. We go, we return, we are watchful. A cough, and then his body erupts as I hold back his hair. Better than medicine, vomiting squeezes the skull, pushes out the pain, sends a wave of relief that will bring sleep.

The next morning he’s ravenous and blissful. We’re tender from the night before, hung over from our shared pain, holding gently — until the next one.

 

Rebecca Ingalls is a former English professor, now midwife and nurse practitioner in New England. She lives close to the sea with her family, and she is a music DJ on community radio. She writes poetry, fiction, and nonfiction, and her work has most recently been published in Five Minutes.

 

Image by Mathias Reding courtesy of Unsplash

10 Comments

  1. Karen DeBonis

    I’ve been there with my own migraines, and this brought me back with exquisite sensitivity. I can’t imagine nurturing my child through that pain. My son had a childhood brain tumor, sans headaches, a blessed anomaly. I hope you and your son find relief.

    Reply
    • Mary Armao McCarthy

      This is angst, not beauty.
      Your definition of beauty has consistently drifted to angst. If that’s what you want to share, rename it.
      This is thoughtful and well written, but your use of the word beautiful is seriously off the mark.
      Please return to beauty. In today’s troubled times, we need a dose of beauty. And in addition, you should deliver what you promise.

      Reply
      • Robin

        I disagree; what’s beautiful is the relationship. The trust. A child who shows up at his parents’ bedside, knowing they will help him, knowing they are the strength he needs when he feels so broken — that’s beauty.

        Reply
        • Mary McCarthy

          I agree with you, but as an occasional posting under the heading of beauty, not the consistent postings leading with angst and shock that have been used.

          Reply
      • Leslie

        If this isn’t beauty I don’t know what is. I never trust “beauty” that asks me to pretend there’s no pain.

        Reply
  2. Janet Johnston

    So descriptive of the pain, the remedy and the relief but what stays with me most is the empathetic bond. Thank you for showing us this.

    Reply
  3. Michelle Jones

    Love is beautiful. Pain is not something we get to escape. Thank you for writing about the raw places where love sits with pain, unable to remove it, but willing to share in it in order to be present. This is beautiful to me.

    Reply
  4. TJ

    Just amazing. I was there with you. On the floor. I’m a doctor. There are new migraine meds. I hope you fine one that works.

    Reply
  5. Stephanie B. Shafran

    This piece was stunning—not only the precision of the language, imagery, and content, but also the breadth of feelings of each of its characters towards each other.

    Reply
  6. Áine Greaney

    This is beautiful and brings a new and articulate window into the shared experiences, pain and love of the family.

    Reply
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