By Courtney Ruttenbur Bulsiewicz
I’m lying on the carpet, wishing I were sleeping like my newborn, wishing I wasn’t belly down.
My two-year-old drives his Hot Wheels over the arches of my feet. Usually a ticklish person, I don’t feel a thing. The race moves up my legs, using the inseam of my jeans as its track. Up my back, down my sides, over my new love handles, around my butt, and down the crack.
He crawls on top of me, and I realize I haven’t showered for a few days. I don’t know just how many, and mostly I don’t care, though I wish I did.
I wish I cared enough about anything—that I cared to offer my husband a smile when he comes home, that I cared to lower my voice instead of yelling, that I cared we haven’t played outside all week, that our toilets haven’t been cleaned in maybe months, that I’m not eating.
I seem to care enough to give each of these things space in my mind and this page, enough to feel guilt about them. Maybe guilt is a good sign. I hold onto it like a pillow, squeeze it tight to my postpartum belly.
He revs his pretend engine, and I shoosh him, so he doesn’t wake the baby. “Shhh” he echoes and drives the car over my shoulders and into my hair.
Image by Altair Kenway courtesy of Unsplash
What a fabulous essay! So honest and evocative to those of us who experienced postpartum depression.
Many years ago, when my husband became the manager of a farmers’ co-op, he’d leave for the store before our sons woke and return after their dinner. He’d go into their then-shared room and lie on the floor to play with them. I’d generally find him asleep with Legos and other toys all over his back and legs. I’d have to make him to get him to eat.
“wake”
Beautiful, raw, honest. Thank you!
Yup. The eating part doesn’t seem necessary when you are a street with an in-seam for lanes!
This essay says so much in a small space. Beautifully and sadly written.
The beauty lies in your stark honesty in this piece, no softening it or trying to lessen its impact, no trying not to defend yourself or keep from implicating yourself.
A beautiful and beautifully honest piece.
Love this piece and how the son’s car leads us through the author’s internal journey, too.
Thank you for this piece, Courtney. The elegant, efficient honesty is heartbreaking and inspiring.
Such a powerful telling of not just post-partum depression but depression of many kinds. Honest without being self-impressed in the way so much memoir writing is these days. Thank you for this.