By Allison Kirkland
For Jennifer Lee
You wanted to get married at the resort you’d already booked instead of the dimly lit chapel inside the hospital, but that week I sat beside your fiancé as you moved in and out of consciousness, septic. Your doctors said it was now or never.
The flowers had just started blooming, so my mom gathered yellow daffodils and pink azaleas from her yard for your bridal bouquet. She gave you her slim gold band, the one that had been our grandmother’s wedding ring. You chose your nail polish—teal blue for ovarian cancer. Your sister drove to the mall and picked a few white dresses that would fit over your tubes. The hospital staff wouldn’t let us bring in champagne, which still makes me mad.
That morning the women fanned around your hospital bed to do your makeup. You were smiling; your body had changed since the diagnosis, but you were still you. I got you gifts: a white box with bride written in faux pearls to store what little jewelry you’d brought to the hospital and a blue handkerchief that said “no ugly crying” because you kept telling us not to look sad. Your dad fought back tears as he accompanied you down the aisle. My dad bawled as he played your wedding song on the rickety piano, and your now-husband bent down to kiss you.
We brought our meager offerings that day, hoping that if we showed the universe how much we loved you, we could keep you.
Allison Kirkland’s essays have been published in Brevity, Under the Gum Tree, Pithead Chapel, and elsewhere. Connect with her at allisonkirkland.com or on Substack.
Image by Allison Kirkland
Aching. Overflowing with love. Details keep this narrative real and free of conventional sentiment.
Oh, how I love your last sentence. And, oh, how I wish it were so.
Oh how sad I am for your loss. Beautiful writing.
So beautiful and well crafted!
Oh this is so beautiful and well written.
so very touching
So much love here and written so beautifully!
I have tears. Beautifully written.
Allison,
A stunner. Thank you. That damn universe.
Alexandra Dane