By Jax Connelly
I carry my dog to the lake and we sit in the grass. He closes his eyes against sunlight that tosses itself like spare change through the trees. An ant crawls frantically along my shin, not understanding how it got there. A man with a ponytail struggles to light a cigarette. I brush out Cloo’s fur and he closes his eyes against my hands too. Cicadas scream, making love songs with their bodies. I wipe the ants off a biscuit and hold out my palm. Cloo crushes the treat with his jaws, then eats each piece carefully out of the grass. He gets up and wobbles in circles, sniffing tree roots and clover. “This is so stupid,” chuckles someone walking by, mid-conversation. Stupid: those tumors, growing fat on Cloo’s heart. Stupid: the way his face will look tomorrow, dead. Stupid blisters all over my feet, stupid bike chain rattling like stressed-out teeth. I’ve sweated off my deodorant and I smell like it. Someone throws a ball for their puppy and the puppy chases after it like it’s a part of herself she’s losing. Cloo used to run joy-struck like that. He used to run and jump and see. His fur, floating all around us like a ripped-up dandelion wish. He plops himself down like Eeyore and sits drooping there a few feet away. I watch Cloo watching the blades of grass shimmer like they’re waving goodbye. And then he’s looking backwards. At all of it, maybe, and me.
Jax Connelly (they/she) writes to explore the intersections of queer identity, unstable bodies, and mental illness. Four of their essays have received Best American Essays notables, and they’ve won prose contests at Prairie Schooner, Nowhere, and The Pinch. Her work has also appeared in The Georgia Review, The Rumpus, Fourth Genre, [PANK], Pleiades, and more.
Image by Jax Connelly
This is so beautiful. My heart really goes out to you. Good luck saying goodbye. ❤️
Heartbreaking and lovely!
We lost our beloved 14-year-old schnoodle last week. It was so heartbreaking. My best to you and Cloo, who will always live in your deepest heart.
The run is beautifully captured! ❤️
Your writing is fresh and gorgeous and I knew where this was going from word 4. I love that you carry Cloo to the lake and paint an energetic picture of place and life beating along. So subtly juxtaposed against Cloo’s stupid stupid stupid disease. I am not at all surprised that you are well published in discerning literary magazines. I shall inhale your work and try to emulate you.
Love the name Cloo and the photo is perfect.
Thank you for this farewell. Furiously sad, and beautiful, and alas, very familiar. All those ragged truths, the details perfectly balanced. Thank you.
Love. Love. Love. Well done in every way. The pain comes through in the details. Thank you!
Oh my goodness, this is heartbreaking and just so, so beautiful. Losing a pet is a special kind of sadness. Big hugs to you, Jax, and major props for this gorgeous tribute.
Thank you for sharing these precious moments. I hung on every word.
Love the details of the ant, the blades of grass, the light, the conversation being folded in and riffed upon –This is so stupid– How we are not separate even in our grief. And I’m grateful to have been part of this gorgeous grief.
My heart aches for your loss and with the beauty of your writing.
Ouch. You captured this so beautifully. It’s been a year for us and this still brought fresh tears. Especially loved “the puppy chases after it like it’s a part of herself she’s losing.” Gorgeous.