By Ash Trebisacci
This phase of recovery is luxurious mornings on the porch, sipping tea through a straw and reading on a propped-up Kindle, birds chirping and sunlight flickering down through rustling leaves.
It’s coming inside to nap, not setting an alarm, waking according to how the light shifts in the room. It’s tucking into my cocoon of a recliner, the safety and containment of it, knowing I won’t roll over. It’s the cycle of books to podcasts to television to sleeping and back again, interspersed with meals and conversations with my wife.
It’s soaking in this nothingness that is something–space, time, the messy middle, the not-race. The not-working. The not-conforming to capitalist routines. Queering the day by taking showers whenever my wife and I feel we have the energy to dedicate to being gentle. Her squeezing a full washcloth of water over my shoulder and watching beads trickle over my pink nipple buds, my tape-covered stitches, slowly but surely lightening the blue pen marks left over from the doctor’s sketches of my new pec lines.
It’s getting accustomed to the body in the mirror looking like mine and not like a paper doll cut-out of a boy’s chest folded over my shoulders. It’s letting the permanence sink in, noticing the more subtle changes: scabs flaking away, yellow bruise-bloom shrinking, flat chest getting flatter. Tiny but meaningful steps forward, evidence of what I just did for myself, with hours open enough to dream of what might come next.
Thank you for this. It is beautiful, wise, sheltering.
Ash, yes, I recognize the days of surrender and being present during recovery from surgery.
Wishing you a healing recovery.
Frances
Thank you for sharing! My oldest is planning to have this surgery soon, and seeing this makes me feel (even more) hopeful for them.
Such a beautiful way to witness a transition. Inspires me to witness my own different one.
This stunning bit of gorgeousness makes me want to have surgery – of any kind – as long as I get this recovery, too. Beautiful. Warm best wishes for your new life and new look.